A First Depression.

A couple of days ago I received an e-mail from a friend who lives a long way away.

He said – “Hi, I'm fine, just got a bit worried by the tone and content of you blog posting. To be honest I don't read it every day but just happened by and it seemed a bit gloomy.”

Ooops. Sorry. (though perhaps deeper and more consistent reading would put all of this into a better perspective?)

It's true that sometimes I find myself under a cloud and I try to write my way back to the sunshine and recently it was cloudy.

In fact, I’ve been doing my best; I’ve done everything I can think of.

I’ve put on my favourite boxer shorts, I’m wearing my favourite yellow socks (freshly laundered, sun dried) and I’m listening to my favourite radio show through a podcast.

Yet I’m still depressed.

Ok the ocean would help, a small café on the dock side, some boats, a blue sky, near sunset….

Dreams can kill you.

Still, this Is not the first time I’ve been depressed, that would be….

When would that be….?

Trouble is that each time I get depressed the former occasions fade in their intensity.

Was I really “depressed” that time at University when I painted my bedroom with black gloss paint and (perhaps not directly related) ended up in hospital?

Or was I just sad?

Is there a difference?

Hang on, let me get the dictionary…….

1. Low in spirits, downcast. 2. Lower than the surrounding surface (!). 3.  Pressed down or flattened.

That’s the entry for depressed.

Sad?

1. Feeling sorrow, unhappy. 2. Causing, suggestive or expressive of such feelings.

I don’t know if the dictionary cuts it for me this time; my friend was depressed and he took his own life.

The distant river holds too many sad memories for me now, I try not to go there.

I think that if you are sad you are sad and the opposite will someday be true, that when you are depressed there is no hope and no hope of hope returning.

Flattened.

Squeezed dry of hope….

Sorry, this is getting depressing so I’m going to stop. I’ve decided I’m not depressed and I have been blessed in having never been depressed.

Sad?

That’s something else.

My friend finished his e-mail thus - "Anyway, no drama this end. I hope you're well and life is keeping you amused."


I'm sorry, i shouldn't share my darker days with you, so i won't anymore. I'm fine. no worries mate.


Yep.


Well amused.