Saturday 1 January 2011

Happy Camembert!

A New Year.

I’ve got new socks, new shoes, new trousers and a new t-shirt so i’m well set !

But let’s start with some comedy.

“What’s the best cheese to use if you want to coax a bear out of his cave?”
“There’s a nice bear, come on bear. Come on bear. Comeonbear!”

That was read out by one of the four guests on Stephen Fry’s Christmas edition of QI.

The rest were ones that fell out of Christmas Crackers that I got to pull in England last week.

By the way – on QI they hypothesised that Christmas Crackers are deliberately bad so as not to divide the people present into those with and those against the joke teller. By being bad everyone is united against the joke.

“How do you make a jacket last?” – Make the trousers first!

“Why did the jockey take his saddle to bed?” – In case he had nightmares!

“What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?” – A stick!

“What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?”- Damm!

“What happened to the hyena who swallowed n oxo cube? – he made a laughing stock of himself!!

It seems to me that professional comedians could have a lucrative little earner if they did a merchandising deal with a cracker manufacturer and came up with twenty new jokes each year and people could buy the “Eddy Izzard Cracker Collection” or whoever would like to give me 5 per cent commission for having the idea.

“Why was Cinderella no good at football?” – Because her coach was a pumpkin!

(Probably something that could be said about me looking at the fantasy football league I am part of at this end/beginning year.)

“How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?” – Deep and crisp and even!

If I was asked to write a Christmas cracker joke – and I was thinking about this during my morning run – it might be: “Why did the police arrest the motorist in Moscow for speeding?”

“Because he was rushing!”

p.s. Did anybody hear any others this festive time?


Vicki Hollett said...

I'd like to place an order now for next year's Bits and Bobs crackers.

popps said...

Vicki - you flatter.
You win!

Vicki said...

I don't mind if I don't get the paper hat, but I'm planning to make off with that cracker joke illustration on the bottom right for my next ELF post.

Anne said...


popps said...

Vicki - you are welcome to.

Anne! Happy New Year!