A load of holes and a kite.

She is .........

Trigodonas is an old stone farm sitting at 600 meters above the valley of the Bonnet in S.W. France. 

Although it sounds like something from the Lord of Rings trilogy, it is in fact the home of Mr and Mrs Kyte from Blackburn Lancashire, who bought it on impulse one summer during a cycling holiday; they own a tandem. 

Jim and Alice Kyte have both read The Lord of The Rings; Jim listened as his first wife read it to him in a tent on The Isle of Barra in N.W. Scotland whilst driving rain confined them to canvas for five days; long before their eventually frustrating marriage. And Alice listened as Jim read it to her during their honeymoon on la Isla de Mujeres in Mexico. 

Theo Lemare, a retired sheep farmer of no fixed abode, noticed that the farmhouse was closed up autumn/winter/spring so being good with locks, let himself in; being good with plants he started a small marijuana patch under the apple trees in the orchard that lies at the back of the property and though it was not his intention to stay there during the summer, one night he fell asleep after a long day smoking and woke to find the house full of the upset shapes of the Kytes and the local Gendarmerie.

Once Alice and Jim’s outrage had subsided a little, Jim – in a move that surprised his wife – declined to press charges and once the Gendarmes had taken their begrudging leave asked Alice to make some coffee and invited Theo to sit opposite him at the kitchen table.

“We have a lot in common”, he began in a remarkably fluent French for someone from a Blackburn comprehensive, “especially our names”.

Despite his excellent knowledge of the language of Albion – Theo Lemare had worked for several summers in a Pub in Glastonbury – the young man was struggling to follow Jim. Luckily, Alice arrived with the coffee and explained.

“Mr Kyte is a character on The Beatles Sargeant Pepper album, so people are always making fun of us by singing. The fact that we come from Blackburn Lancashire doesn’t help either; John and Paul wrote about there being 4000 Holes there” she said.

“For the benefit of Mr Kyte, there will be a farm he bought in SW France. The place is cold and very old, 4000 holes without a doubt, not a chance. Of repair, or care or renting out, The Kyte’s folly will crumble slowly. And tonight Mrs Kyte is paying the bill!”Jim sang in his best Liverpudlian accent to clarify the point.

Theo Lemare knew more than most about the Beatles - he was an obsessive collector and had an original copy of the Sgt Pepper album, complete with illustrated guide - so he was following the conversation clearly now and even joined in on the final “paying the bill!”

“And you”, she continued, “ being very tall, must get so annoyed with people pointing out that – Theo, t’es haut!” Alice’s French was also exceptional for someone raised on Black Pudding and Lancashire Hot Pot, she knew both that haut meanthigh and that the French grammatical formTu es was often pronouncedT’es.

Theo sighed, this was a joke he bore the brunt of EVERY day of his life.

“You’re coffee is very good”, he said in way of a apology for having squatted The Kyte’s farmhouse.

“For an Englishwoman?” Alice asked.

“I didn’t mean that”, Theo spluttered.

“It’s ok”, added Jim, “she’s pulling your leg”. 

Theo looked at his legs, “They don’t need stretching any more”. 

And everyone laughed. 

The tension that had been hovering around them dissipated like the early morning mists for which the Vallley of the Bonnet was famous, and cake appeared alongside the coffee with a suddenness that suggested that either Alice or Jim were serial bakers. Theo went to the fridge, apologising as he did so – he felt, rightly, this was no longer his home – and produced a plate of cheese the like of which no one in Blackburn had ever seen, took a baguette from his shopping bag and a bottle of wine from the shelf over the sink.

“Bon appetit!” they chorused.

“Now,” began Jim, his tone suddenly becoming formal. “ I noticed, when we arrived, some interesting plants growing in the Orchard.”

“Ah”, replied Theo.

“I’m hoping the Gendarmes didn’t”, Jim continued.

“Is this conversation heading where I think it is?” Alice asked looking at her husband.

Jim smiled as he replied. “Yes,” he said, “Is that ok?”

“It’s perfect she replied” and stood up. “I’ll go and pick some.”

“You see,” continued Jim, “we have never used the stuff and now that the shock is over we are quite taken that we own both a farm house AND a dope plantation in the SW of France and we need someone to look after both the property and the plants. We have an old caravan in the garden back home, it’s not in great shape but you could paint it up, add a terrace and make it pretty cosy. We can’t pay you but you can use the house in the winter, or if the weather is too inclement.”

Theo looked at him.

Jane came in and placed some heavy flower buds on the table between them.

Jim looked back and smiled.

And then they all started singing.

“Picture yourself in a farm in the country, with three crazy people and marshmallow skies. Somebody asks you, they ask you quite seriously, the people from Albion Isle.”

Theo raised his glass,“All you need is Love.”

Alice and Jim raised their’s, “Ob-la-dit, Oh t’as dit!!”

And then they rolled a joint.

 formerly published in The Archives.