Sunday, 26 April 2015

Still Life with a Walrus.

probably best not together

Does it count if we think of a picture that would go with the post before we’ve written it and before we’ve taken the picture?

That’s not exactly cart and horses is it? (editorial note t)

What is it then?

Stampeding cattle probably, look – cart and horses, if it’s going to be a mini-series, has to start with the picture.

So, what you’re saying is that the picture has to exist, in black and white, it can’t be an idea of a picture in your head.

Exactly, though it could be in colour if you prefer.

Ok, so what have we got?

I’ve got this one.

Did we post it before?

I don’t think so, I’ve had a check and I can’t see it.

How far did you look?

Back to the beginning of the year, I think that’s safe as there is definitely a post-Christmassy clue to the taking of the picture.

Post-Christmas? How can you be sure?

I always take my Christmas decorations down by the 6th January – it’s an old family superstition that I traditionally adhere to. Besides, I would only buy Kinder Father Christmas in the half price after Christmas clear out sales.

I think we need some hyphens there…

Half-price after-Christmas-clear-out sales. That better?

I’m not sure if they are in the right place but I think someone will tell us if they aren’t.

I doubt it.

Said the carpenter.


The carpenter.

No I meant which…?

The one that shed a bitter tear.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Where were we?

Well, to be honest I’m not sure, I have in the meantime been for a run along the sand, had a paddle, a snooze in the sun and woken up and scavenged for shells and drift wood.

I think we were talking about Christmas.


So, what did you want to know?

What it’s all about this here cart and horses photo?

It’s a still life that I found pleasing one day.

A holy trinity?

Maybe more of a holy trilogy, and one that isn’t so holy maybe.

Tell me about it.

I think I’ve said enough about the Kinder Father Christmas already so… that’s a bottle of HP sauce in front of the Father Christmas, obviously I wouldn’t eat them together; they answer very different needs. The HP sauce, by the way, will last me at least a year, the Father Christmas will last about five minutes and I will feel compelled to return to the supermarket before tomorrow to help clear the shelves of their past-the-christmas-sell-by-days products.

And that leaves the pot.

Yep. THE pot. Whatever it says on the label is not the case, and I have in fact added my own hand written label though that is difficult to see in this photo.

What does this aforementioned handwritten missive say?

It says “very hot stuff from Porto”.

A spice?

An unknown spice of unknown origin that I picked up after conversing very incomprehensibly in a street market in Porto. (editorial note t).

Do you speak Portugese?

No, I speak Spanish with a lisp and I sometimes make myself understood.

So what is it?

I THINK it’s culinary, but it’s certainly Hot and I put it on scrambled eggs.

Still alive?

Still life.

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