Be careful with that lip balm!

I had always believed that being seen in public with your flies undone was the second worst thing that could ever happen to you, closely followed by being with your father when someone noticed that his fly was undone.

The worst thing that could happen to cause a public humiliation has to be wheeling your push bike down a grass bank at the end of your paper round towards, and in full view of, the most stunningly beautiful girl ever to stand at a bus stop and have your front wheel detach itself and roll feebly across the road to hit the curb at her feet and die.

You need to be about 13 and male to appreciate how bad that felt.

I have, since yesterday, revised my opinion about the second most embarrassing thing that could happen.

For a while, as I drove towards a 9am appointment, the three bright red stripes across my face – caused by secondary deep heat application – looked to have shifted undone flies from second position.

But through the grace of some unknown god the swelling calmed as I approached the city and as I turned into the car park I looked almost presentable (smart and pressed as our trans Atlantic cousins might say).

So what is number two on my list of all time embarrassments?

Back in February, when snow was still a menace and early mornings still dark, I invested in a pot of lip balm, which I left in the car for those chapped-lip disaster-days and would often, on the way to work, liberally apply a good dollop.

The cold of winter is a forgotten memory and now the summer has forced me to clear out the car so that it is ready for trips to the beach. In doing so this morning I found the aforementioned tin of lip gloss, and as the tin is kind of pretty I shoed it to my daughter – she would appreciate such a thing.

She looked at me, “dad this is coloured”.

“Coloured like in lip stick?”

“Yes”.

No one at the office had ever said a word!