Saturday, 18 June 2011

Self Portrait 18



Outside/inside?

Outside is easier. Superficial.

Inside ..

When I started this June only (thank goodness) series of Self Portraits here on Bitsnbobs – the blog that almost says it all – I thought about inviting insight from others that knew me.

But then, what threatened to be me, me, me would become me, me, me, me, me – and that felt a bit egocentric.

Today it seems that only the outside can be trusted to move us into deeper waters.

And what is the point of a self-portrait if I don’t capsize and drown?

Three outsides return frequently.

One – in London, Rotherhithe, alongside the tunnel, early mornings, laying in bed. Someone is walking in the street – he is there most mornings – and his voice penetrates the traffic, the walls, sleep - “What am I going to do? What am I going to do?”

Two- Also London, Maida Vale, the osteopath – “Your female principle is in good shape, but your male principle?”

Three - elsewhere, someone who knew more than they should –“I know you well enough to know you are a martyr.”

I’m sorry if you have read this far – because today is going to be incoherent, scrappy, rambling in a rambling way.

Maybe yesterday will help?

Woke at 6 in an old place which no one chose to share and which I chose alone.

Left for work before the birds had finished singing.

Driving highways.

A moment, 15 minutes, alone in sunshine with a coffee.

Then a client.

Another drive.

Time to buy a sandwich, a hammock for someone’s summer and lights for the garden.

Another client.

Another.

An empty office.

A box of chocolates open on someone’s desk.

An empty office.

An empty car-park.

Highways.

Storms have been building for two, three days, air muggy, heavy, suffocating.

A blue van parked on top of the hill, dark dirty clouds waiting, a pizza oven.

The woman has brown eyes.

We talk about ice cream whilst her man cooks pizza.

Coconut. Caramel.

He says – “chocolate mint.”

We look at each other – nice brown eyes, not dark, but startling – “Coconut”.

We decide that it’s good to be spontaneous, children can – it’s harder for us.

But maybe wrong.

I try to eat and drive – can’t so I stop awkwardly at the side of the road.

A car passes.

Stops.

They think I am in trouble.

They know me.

I am father to one, husband to the other.

Caught eating pizza!

Luckily I bought one for them.

We drive.

We home.

I need outside – been inside all day.

They need inside – been outside all day.

I sit alone in the rain.

It feels good.

3 comments:

Vicki Hollett said...

Oh what a wonderful movies scene. I hadn't seen it before. What's the rest of the movie like?

popps said...

The rest of the movie, Vicki, is FANTASTIC.
The Fisher King, director Terry Gillam starring jeff Bridges.
Go get it now!!

Vicki said...

Oh thanks for this. I will order it.

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