Self Portrait 18

Outside/inside?

Outside is easier. Superficial.

Inside ..

When I started this June only (thank goodness) series of Self Portraits here on Bitsnbobs – the blog that almost says it all – I thought about inviting insight from others that knew me.

But then, what threatened to be me, me, me would become me, me, me, me, me – and that felt a bit egocentric.

Today it seems that only the outside can be trusted to move us into deeper waters.

And what is the point of a self-portrait if I don’t capsize and drown?

Three outsides return frequently.

One – in London, Rotherhithe, alongside the tunnel, early mornings, laying in bed. Someone is walking in the street – he is there most mornings – and his voice penetrates the traffic, the walls, sleep - “What am I going to do? What am I going to do?”

Two- Also London, Maida Vale, the osteopath – “Your female principle is in good shape, but your male principle?”

Three - elsewhere, someone who knew more than they should –“I know you well enough to know you are a martyr.”

I’m sorry if you have read this far – because today is going to be incoherent, scrappy, rambling in a rambling way.

Maybe yesterday will help?

Woke at 6 in an old place which no one chose to share and which I chose alone.

Left for work before the birds had finished singing.

Driving highways.

A moment, 15 minutes, alone in sunshine with a coffee.

Then a client.

Another drive.

Time to buy a sandwich, a hammock for someone’s summer and lights for the garden.

Another client.

Another.

An empty office.

A box of chocolates open on someone’s desk.

An empty office.

An empty car-park.

Highways.

Storms have been building for two, three days, air muggy, heavy, suffocating.

A blue van parked on top of the hill, dark dirty clouds waiting, a pizza oven.

The woman has brown eyes.

We talk about ice cream whilst her man cooks pizza.

Coconut. Caramel.

He says – “chocolate mint.”

We look at each other – nice brown eyes, not dark, but startling – “Coconut”.

We decide that it’s good to be spontaneous, children can – it’s harder for us.

But maybe wrong.

I try to eat and drive – can’t so I stop awkwardly at the side of the road.

A car passes.

Stops.

They think I am in trouble.

They know me.

I am father to one, husband to the other.

Caught eating pizza!

Luckily I bought one for them.

We drive.

We home.

I need outside – been inside all day.

They need inside – been outside all day.

I sit alone in the rain.

It feels good.